“I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15
Yeah, I’m grappling with this…yet again. But it makes me feel a little better remembering that Saint Paul struggled with the exact same thing!
This is how it unfolds for me…
First, I put out lots and lots of energy in the direction of a “stretch” goal, such as presenting the full Oratorio after a hiatus of several years with no regular choir. But then, once the goal is achieved, I get to relax and my energy drops.
Since at the same time I’ve been in “gotta be careful”/treatment mode, the thought begins to sneak in: “I deserve some treats.” And, sure enough, the lowered energy and disrupted routine combines to leave me feeling a little rudderless and out of sorts.
I don’t think it can be coincidence that in the midst of all this, and after the success of the Oratorio, I’m feeling an increasingly strong urge to reevaluate my treatment options. In fact, something inside is telling me that it’s time to “up my game.”
But in the meantime, I’m seriously backsliding on a number of good habits, especially by eating foods that don’t support my healing. Which seems kind of crazy, no?!? Well, yes, it does!
However, I’m finally understanding that this part of my process is a way (my admittedly crazy way) of getting back to clarity by fully experiencing (yet again!) the contrast between how I feel after a period of poor choices vs the opposite.
I wish I didn’t operate this way, but evidently I have to get to the place of “I’m feeling really crappy” before I’m able to harness the motivational energy to take off in the right direction once again.
Bottom line? Crazy but true: feeling yucky is like my rocket fuel.
OMG I relate to this so much and had a similar backslide into unhelpful habits during Easter and am still trying to find my equilibrium again. I seem to notice a very similar cycle but I’ve also noticed that I become aware of the (negative) effects much more quickly and thus don’t go so far down into the “hole” of bad habits as I used to. I mean I used to be completely oblivious! So there’s a lot of progress despite the seeming “yo-yo” or spiral or roller coaster that I feel like I’m on at times.