Validation, please!

I’m not all that surprised when I receive enthusiastic and supportive comments about my blog posts. After all, I have enthusiastic, supportive, loving friends.

What does surprise me a little are the comments about me being a good writer.

Now you have to understand…when I was in school in California (many, many years ago!) the educational process was in a bit of an experimental phase. I vaguely remember having a spelling class in seventh grade, but in eighth grade my “English class” consisted of being on the yearbook team. In high school I had one semester of creative writing and a year of journalism. And that was it.

Nouns, verbs, and adjectives were the extent of my grammatical understanding, although I had a fairly developed sense of what looked and sounded “right”, thanks to being a voracious bookworm.

My early musical years were also somwhat skimpy in terms of formal instruction. I always played music (piano, then flute, a switch to saxophone, and finally back to flute again) and was in bands with a number of fine young musicians, but I didn’t have any private lessons until I was almost twenty years old. And my high school–which was very new and very small–didn’t have a strings program, so I wasn’t exposed to orchestra until college as well.

But, having a certain amount of natural talent, loving music, and not knowing what else to do, I threw myself wholeheartedly into my musical studies…feeling all the time like I was playing “catch-up.”

So I did recitals, played in orchestras, earned my bachelor’s degree in flute performance, played in better orchestras, did recording sessions, played tons of wedding and parties, graduated from the San Francisco Conservatory of Music with my master’s degree in flute performance, subbed with the SF Opera orchestra, auditioned for the SF Symphony, and even performed as guest soloist with a couple small orchestras. But here’s the thing…I never–EVER–felt “caught up!”

This was all pretty subliminal until the afternoon when I was lamenting (yet again!) having missed out on studying a particular set of student-level flute etudes. My dear friend and flute colleague laughed and said she wished she could validate me by rubber stamping my forehead with FLUTIST in big letters–etudes or no etudes!

But here’s the thing: if I had those kinds of doubts about being a flutist–even after all my hard work and experience–how could I possibly consider myself a good writer when I haven’t done anything to deserve it?

Wow…even as I wrote those words I could feel in my heart that there–right there–is where my real work lies. Getting beyond having to be “deserving” and opening up to simply “being”. And letting it all be okay just the way it is.

Choir without borders

As of tomorrow it will be exactly ONE MONTH to the start of the week-long event celebrating both Ananda’s 50th anniversary and the dedication of the new Temple of Light at Ananda Village.

Yep, it’s BIG.

Members of our Ananda spiritual family will be pouring in from all corners of the world, including North, South, and Central America; Europe; New Zealand; India; Russia; and Asia.

Of course there’s going to be lots of music, much of it sung by a global choir, filled with devotees from many of the places listed above. From an organizational perspective it’s a little overwhelming–who’s coming? will we have balanced voice parts? what will it feel like in the new temple? can we really manage with only one rehearsal for the concert?!?

There are also many places in the Ananda world with new or barely established choirs, whose singers might feel a little out of their depth singing for such a big event. But that’s why, right from the start, we decided to emphasize inclusiveness. We want as many people as possible to have the experience of being part of a big Ananda choir. We want them to feel the magic that happens when you’re singing high consciousness, uplifting music with fellow devotees!

It’s going to be awesome.

Recently I found this phrase scribbled on a slip of paper: Ananda Music Worldwide: a global choir, united in inspiration. I don’t recall whether I heard someone else say it or made it up myself, but I think it perfectly describes our vision and goal for music during the 50th anniversary…and beyond!

The Inner Musician

I was feeling the need to write about how it was for me when I first came to Ananda…then to Ananda Music…and eventually to Swamiji. But then I remembered: I already did that!

Way back in 2001, I was asked to write my story for what was then Clarity Magazine. I just read it for the first time in years and–wonder of wonders!–I still like it!

So, here’s the link and I hope you enjoy the article, titled The Inner Musician.

Secret weapon

Lots of thoughts and ideas chasing themselves through my mind, but I’m finding it difficult to grab hold of any particular one long enough to figure out what i want to say about it!

Of course, the more I try the more my mind veers away in yet another direction, until all I’m feeling is increasing restlessness. What to do?!?

Time to utilize my “secret weapon”: music. Swamiji singing Peace never fails to calm my heart and still my mind. Just what the doctor ordered!

Peace by Swami Kriyananda (aka J. Donald Walters)

Not perfect

Well, after a week’s worth of posts it happened; inspiration did not strike. So I went looking for ideas, got distracted, and missed finishing this daily blog post before my self-imposed deadline of midnight.

Now I’m feeling determined to remember: “Progress not perfection” and “It’s all directional”, in order to keep my inner critic and self-doubts at bay. Oh, yes! And another favorite from a talk by Nayaswami Asha: “If I coulda done better, I woulda done better!”

The only real choice is to simply pick myself up and keep going.

Service is joy

Today was Rajarsi Day at Ananda Village…and what a day it was! (Thanks for the wonderful photo, Barbara Bingham!)

Every year we honor Rajarsi Janakananda (aka James Lynn)–self-made millionaire and foremost disciple of Paramhansa Yogananda–with a community-wide workday. This year was extra special because devotees from all over the Ananda world joined in helping to finish the new Temple of Light.

I served in the kitchen and was struck anew by how much joy is generated when we consciously dedicate everything we do to God! Plus soooo much gets accomplished when there’s lots of joy and energy levels are high.

In fact, all those willing hands make miracles happen, just like Swamiji’s song says:

Many hands make a miracle:
Let’s all join hands together!
Life on earth is so wonderful
When people laugh and dance and struggle as friends:
Then all their dreams achieve their ends.

Many hands make a miracle:
People climbing together!
Soon we reach to the pinnacle
Of every mountain peak we hazard as one.
We’ll lift our hands to welcome the sun!
We lift our hands to welcome the sun!

The impossible question

“What’s your favorite piece of Ananda Music?” or “Which of Swami Kriyananda’s songs is your favorite?”

The short answer is usually: “Whichever one I’m singing (or playing or listening to) right now.”

The long answer is to explain that the best I can do is narrow it down to my top twenty favorites (which will probably be thirty or forty by the time I’ve finished the list!).

And that won’t include instrumentals…

The way of Ananda Music

I’ve been thinking about how Ananda is not just a physical location–the place I live. It’s also the way I live.

Similarly, Ananda Music is not just the physical sounds–the sheet music, recordings, and performances in which I participate. It’s also the way I participate–as a disciple and devotee first and foremost…seeking to get my little “self” out of the way, so that my higher “Self” can express through the music.

This is what makes Ananda choirs and singing ensembles powerful far beyond our actual musical skills. Every singer is doing their best to be ever more open and receptive to the divine flow. And, sure enough, grace shows up!

Which brings to mind one of my favorite quotes by my guru, Paramhansa Yogananda*: The instrument is blessed by that which flows through it.

So true.

* Yesterday I incorrectly attributed this quote to Swami Kriyananda. Sorry!

Spontaneity

Another way in which I let doubt block my creativity is with spontaneous photos and videos. I’ll be in the moment, having fun or experiencing something that I feel to capture and share, so I’ll grab a quick snapshot or video on my smartphone.

But then the overthinking kicks in: Is it too silly? Will people understand? Is it done well enough? Maybe I’d better wait until I have time to write the perfect caption. Etcetera, etcetera… (what a fun word to see written out)! And you guessed it: months later I run across those moments, still in my photos folder!

No more! I’m now going to share three spur-of-the-moment videos that I took three(!) years ago during a short vacation in Ashland. While strolling through Lithia Park I was inspired by the flowers, the trees, and the river, and started thinking of Swami’s song, Channels. After some doing, I persuaded Ramesha to sing the pertinent verse of the song while I took shaky videos. Yeah, it is pretty silly…but it was fun!

Update: I completely forgot I was the one singing “Flowers”! If I had remembered I probably wouldn’t have posted it; guess the joke’s on me! 🙂

Why “Music.Life.Joy.”?

Because music has been, and still is, both my life and the primary joy of my life.

Believe me, I didn’t choose this. There were times when I envied friends who had “normal” lives, with “regular” jobs. I wanted to be “normal” myself; to have a “regular” life!

But music wouldn’t leave me alone.

I felt so much joy in making music, but there was a lot of angst involved as well. Because it was all I could imagine doing, I needed to make a living at it. But that meant ambition. Competition. And lots and lots of practice—a challenge for someone who really was just in it for the joy and who wasn’t very disciplined by nature!

I stopped playing for a while in my twenties (“time off for bad behavior” I called it); but couldn’t stay away for long.

Later in life—after two degrees in flute performance and a few decades of professional experience—a lot of my joy in making music had dissipated. I got so serious about quitting that I tried to sell my instruments. The piccolo sold pretty easily but I couldn’t find a buyer for my (incredibly wonderful!) flute no matter how hard I tried or how low I dropped the price.

And then I came to Ananda.

Less than a year after moving to the Palo Alto community I found myself staying at Crystal Hermitage (located at Ananda Village) for a weekend while recording the flute parts for the CD, Secrets of Love. What a blessed experience. I was struck with the realization: “Oh, this is why I spent all those years becoming a flutist…and this is why Divine Mother wouldn’t let me sell my flute!”

My life finally started to make sense and (twenty years later!) I’m still gratefully offering every bit of my musical training and experience in service to God and Guru.