(not necessarily in that order)
There are times when an appropriate medication is the only way to go.
Today I’m feeling extremely grateful for the Rx that seems to have finally ended my recent malady. I’ve had my first completely “normal” day in almost a week; what a relief!
I’ll still follow the doctor’s recommendation to get some bloodwork done, mainly as a precautionary measure. But my energy is back and I feel confident that I’ve turned the corner.
I’ve been working intensively with this affirmation for the past few days as part of a reinvigorated self-care process.
Within me lies the energy to accomplish all that I will to do. Behind my every act is God’s infinite power!
(from Affirmations for Self-Healing by Swami Kriyananda)
Because we need ENERGY to get anything done, right?!?
But an insight hit me pretty quickly as I went deeper into the affirmation. It has to do with the words: “…to accomplish all that I will to do.”
Because I can have infinite energy at my command but if I don’t have the WILL to do something, accomplishment simply can’t happen.
Something to meditate on further.
That’s how I’m feeling about our ensemble rehearsals!
We’re listening more to one another. We’re maintaining the energy and holding our pitch. We’re consistently conveying the meaning of the lyrics. We’re going deeper into the consciousness of every song.
Sometimes it feels like hard work, but at the same time, we’re having so much FUN!
This is one of the moments that I really, really love my job.
Dealing with subtle feelings of irritation tonight and not liking the way it’s pulling down my energy.
Time to focus on gratitude instead, which isn’t hard because I’ve got lots and lots to be grateful for!
Which reminds me… I think I’m ready to follow-up on my gratitude tattoo.
Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing the latest Indiana Jones movie, but that isn’t really what’s got me thinking about whips.
No, it’s the fact that I’m finally hitting that “after the big event” slump, where I just don’t want to do anything…regardless of the fact that there are things I really do need to accomplish.
But when I say that maybe I’ll be able to “whip” myself into action tomorrow, what I’m really getting at is the need to “whip up” my energy!
I forgot to mention it in my blog post, but yesterday’s appointment was the first time we heard my oncologist clearly and unequivocally state that I’m in remission. She also went on to say that my lab results are “very good”.
I have one maintenance medication that will help me stay in remission, but I know that the love and support of family and friends — combined with my own efforts to keep my energy high and my aura filled with light — is equally important in keeping all dis-ease at bay.
But — gosh! — it sure feels great to be officially in remission!
While the nurse was inserting my IV this afternoon I happened to glance over at Ramesha and was overwhelmed by a wave of gratitude for this man.
Since February he’s driven to (and sat in on) virtually all of my medical appointments. He keeps track of the medical receipts and co-pays. And for a full six months he’s been organizing his teaching and business schedule around my needs.
I truly don’t know how I would have done this without him.
In other news, I’m completely over yesterday’s weird stomach thing. What a relief to have my full energy back once again!
And, we’re all done with the extra pre-op tests, many of which were long and involved, and took a lot of finagling to fit into our schedule. Yay!
I just discovered the other day that today is a solar eclipse.
I’m not sure why some eclipses are a big deal while others seem to pass almost entirely unnoticed, but whatever…
The fact is that I’ve been feeling the unsettled energy of this approaching eclipse: out-of-sorts, irritable, and struggling to stay focused.
Not that other life challenges don’t play a part in the overall picture, but it really has felt significantly more difficult these past few days. I’ll be curious to see if all goes back to normal starting tomorrow.
It’s interesting to think back to the start of my cancer treatment in early February and remember how uncertain everything felt.
My first appointments coincided with Inner Renewal Week and we weren’t even sure whether I should attend, much less sing.
Then there were decisions to be made about the Oratorio, wondering whether my energy would hold up. We even committed to a Joy Singers concert a week later, although I was a little nervous about doing so.
And now all that is behind me, accomplished with very few side effects and without any serious issues (despite the addition of two weeks of radiation).
My energy held out and I continue feeling good, which leaves me pondering the best next steps in my journey back to full health. Interesting times, indeed!
“I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15
Yeah, I’m grappling with this…yet again. But it makes me feel a little better remembering that Saint Paul struggled with the exact same thing!
This is how it unfolds for me…
First, I put out lots and lots of energy in the direction of a “stretch” goal, such as presenting the full Oratorio after a hiatus of several years with no regular choir. But then, once the goal is achieved, I get to relax and my energy drops.
Since at the same time I’ve been in “gotta be careful”/treatment mode, the thought begins to sneak in: “I deserve some treats.” And, sure enough, the lowered energy and disrupted routine combines to leave me feeling a little rudderless and out of sorts.
I don’t think it can be coincidence that in the midst of all this, and after the success of the Oratorio, I’m feeling an increasingly strong urge to reevaluate my treatment options. In fact, something inside is telling me that it’s time to “up my game.”
But in the meantime, I’m seriously backsliding on a number of good habits, especially by eating foods that don’t support my healing. Which seems kind of crazy, no?!? Well, yes, it does!
However, I’m finally understanding that this part of my process is a way (my admittedly crazy way) of getting back to clarity by fully experiencing (yet again!) the contrast between how I feel after a period of poor choices vs the opposite.
I wish I didn’t operate this way, but evidently I have to get to the place of “I’m feeling really crappy” before I’m able to harness the motivational energy to take off in the right direction once again.
Bottom line? Crazy but true: feeling yucky is like my rocket fuel.