While the nurse was inserting my IV this afternoon I happened to glance over at Ramesha and was overwhelmed by a wave of gratitude for this man.
Since February he’s driven to (and sat in on) virtually all of my medical appointments. He keeps track of the medical receipts and co-pays. And for a full six months he’s been organizing his teaching and business schedule around my needs.
I truly don’t know how I would have done this without him.
In other news, I’m completely over yesterday’s weird stomach thing. What a relief to have my full energy back once again!
And, we’re all done with the extra pre-op tests, many of which were long and involved, and took a lot of finagling to fit into our schedule. Yay!
I just discovered the other day that today is a solar eclipse.
I’m not sure why some eclipses are a big deal while others seem to pass almost entirely unnoticed, but whatever…
The fact is that I’ve been feeling the unsettled energy of this approaching eclipse: out-of-sorts, irritable, and struggling to stay focused.
Not that other life challenges don’t play a part in the overall picture, but it really has felt significantly more difficult these past few days. I’ll be curious to see if all goes back to normal starting tomorrow.
It’s interesting to think back to the start of my cancer treatment in early February and remember how uncertain everything felt.
My first appointments coincided with Inner Renewal Week and we weren’t even sure whether I should attend, much less sing.
Then there were decisions to be made about the Oratorio, wondering whether my energy would hold up. We even committed to a Joy Singers concert a week later, although I was a little nervous about doing so.
And now all that is behind me, accomplished with very few side effects and without any serious issues (despite the addition of two weeks of radiation).
My energy held out and I continue feeling good, which leaves me pondering the best next steps in my journey back to full health. Interesting times, indeed!
“I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15
Yeah, I’m grappling with this…yet again. But it makes me feel a little better remembering that Saint Paul struggled with the exact same thing!
This is how it unfolds for me…
First, I put out lots and lots of energy in the direction of a “stretch” goal, such as presenting the full Oratorio after a hiatus of several years with no regular choir. But then, once the goal is achieved, I get to relax and my energy drops.
Since at the same time I’ve been in “gotta be careful”/treatment mode, the thought begins to sneak in: “I deserve some treats.” And, sure enough, the lowered energy and disrupted routine combines to leave me feeling a little rudderless and out of sorts.
I don’t think it can be coincidence that in the midst of all this, and after the success of the Oratorio, I’m feeling an increasingly strong urge to reevaluate my treatment options. In fact, something inside is telling me that it’s time to “up my game.”
But in the meantime, I’m seriously backsliding on a number of good habits, especially by eating foods that don’t support my healing. Which seems kind of crazy, no?!? Well, yes, it does!
However, I’m finally understanding that this part of my process is a way (my admittedly crazy way) of getting back to clarity by fully experiencing (yet again!) the contrast between how I feel after a period of poor choices vs the opposite.
I wish I didn’t operate this way, but evidently I have to get to the place of “I’m feeling really crappy” before I’m able to harness the motivational energy to take off in the right direction once again.
Bottom line? Crazy but true: feeling yucky is like my rocket fuel.
When I first started on this healing journey, we had no idea what to expect. But now that I’m a couple of months into it, I’m very happy to report the following:
My energy is holding steady. In fact, I’ve actually been able to maintain close to my usual schedule. Well, except for allowing extra time to rest and making sleep a priority. And except for driving to town at least twice a week for medical appointments.
We’ve been able to maintain the momentum of the music ministry. This Friday we’re doing a full LIVE performance of Swami Kriyananda’s Oratorio: Christ Lives! for the first time since 2019, and for the first time ever in the Temple of Light, and I’m well enough to fully participate!
Thanks to radiation, I’m regaining full movement of my right shoulder.
I’ve received so many prayers, voicemails, text messages, emails, cards, gifts, articles, suggestions, you name it — all of them filled with love and many of them very helpful — that it’s actually been somewhat overwhelming and I haven’t been able to respond as I would wish. I’m sure everyone understands, but I just want to say that, once the Oratorio is over and things slow down again, I look forward to slowly being in touch with all my well-wishers around the world!
What else can I say? Yes, I have cancer, but I am also well and strong and happy and very, very blessed.
Don’t know if it’s astrological or something in mass consciousness, but I’ve been feeling heavy and slow and vaguely out of sorts all day long!
At first I thought I was just tired. After all, it was a fairly intense week. But as the hours passed I started to think it was something more, because I did get plenty of sleep and yet I wasn’t able to snap out of it.
It’s like when there’s a storm brewing and you’re aware of a heavy energy weighing everything down. That’s how it’s been throughout this entire day, but I have faith that it will pass.
Today I’m experiencing the intense frustration that results from feeling my unique version of the “fierce urgency of now,” while at the same time feeling stuck, as though there’s something holding me back from the appropriate “vigorous and positive action.”
Arggghhhh!
I could be wrong, but I’m beginning to suspect it has to do with the fact that I haven’t made virtually any music in almost six weeks. And it’s not just a matter of my singing/playing getting “rusty;” it’s the not dipping into the flow of creativity and not enjoying the energy exchange that comes with participating in an ensemble and from performing for people.
So, in looking for a visually magnetic version of the above Martin Luther King quote, I stumbled on a blog with the attention-getting (to me, at least!) title of “Shut Up and Create.” This really felt like Divine Mother was talking to me! 😂
Anyway, this particular “Shut Up and Create” post — The fierce urgency of NOW…it’s on us — was published almost exactly a year ago and contains some sentences that really resonated for me… “…your work, ideas, activism, advocacy, and creativity are needed NOW. What are you sitting on that will make our world a better place to be free in?” [and] “The world is waiting for you to put your ideas, skill, talents, and thoughts into action. That book, app, learning community, workshop, non-profit, social enterprise you’ve been sitting on is needed NOW.”
Reading this is both exhilarating and terrifying, because I know in my heart that this is my time and my test.
It still feels very strange to be “done” with my part of the Christmas concert four days before its “premiere.”
Of course, most of the performances were “done” a little over a week ago.
It’s just such a contrast to all my deeply embedded concepts of what it means to perform — especially at Christmas time — as preparations intensify the closer you get to The Big Day. And then the big sigh of relief/release when it’s over.
I find it interesting that I feel almost the same range of feelings afterwards — relief, tiredness, excitement, and so forth — whether it’s “virtual” or “real.”
The fact is that tons of energy still goes out when it’s virtual, maybe even more in some ways.
