(not necessarily in that order)
All day long I’ve struggled to simply knuckle down and get things done, but it hasn’t been working too well.
I’m trying to keep in mind the mantra I learned from Dharana during our visit to LA…
More accepting, less hard. More accepting, less hard. More accepting…. (etc.)
…but every sentence I type still feels like pulling teeth. I really hope that this too shall pass.
I have my friend, Jennifer, to thank for this perfect comment
in response to the resistance I was feeling yesterday —
“Joy is within you, resistance is futile!”
So, I might as well just give in to the joy, right?
I love it!
Yep, Spiritual Renewal Week (SRW) is almost here. Which means I’ve been knuckling down and wrestling with details galore.
But first I had to break though some serious resistance. Thank goodness it’s behind me and things are (finally) progressing.
I’m going back and reading some of my blog posts from a year ago. It’s the only way I can really tune back in to what life was like in the lead up to my stem cell transplant.
We had been in Sacramento for a few days at this point. The tunneled catheter was in my chest and we were preparing to have my stem cells collected the next day.
Hard to believe what a different reality that was compared to now. As I reflect on it, I think a part of me is in a sort of “reactionary” mode — experiencing lots of resistance to discipline, consistency, focus.
Maybe that’s why I’m so into upgrading my garden at the moment. Creating wine barrel planters is a way to channel my energy into something productive, but that’s also a treat.
There’s good and less good types of resistance. What I’ve been battling all day is definitely the less good kind.
The kind where you know what you need to do and you simply do not feel like doing it.
I’ve managed to get a few things done regardless, but it hasn’t been pretty.
For the past few days I’ve been majorly struggling to complete certain tasks.
They aren’t difficult tasks but they are fairly urgent. They’re already overdue and need to get done.
And yet I am encountering the most ferocious resistance to doing them!
Actually, “resistance” isn’t the best word to describe what I’m feeling. It would be more accurate to say that I’m experiencing a refusal to obey.
No matter how much I reason with myself or try to motivate myself or cajole myself or threaten myself, a part of me just says NO. And right now, that part of me winning.
So, I entertained myself by finding other words that describe this unfortunate state of affairs:
Recalcitrance
Balkiness
Refractoriness
Insubordination
Disobedience
Maybe identifying it will sufficiently dissipate the blocking energy so I can actually get some work done. That’s my hope anyway.
“Wrung out to dry” is definitely how I’m feeling tonight.
It was the third day in a row of driving to town for an early morning appointment.
Then later in the day I took the bull by the horns and overcame resistance and procrastination to write some important communications.
So, I’m perfectly okay with being DONE for tonight.
Twice in a row I had skipped my weekly fast day. A strong resistance had taken hold.
Thank goodness I’m beginning to know and accept myself a little better. After about a week of managing to (mostly) resist the resistance, I realized it was growing instead of diminishing.
So, I picked my day and decided to give in. Yep, I consciously surrendered and went “off program”.
And a couple of interesting things happened.
First, I was able to relax. It was a relief to stop pushing myself.
Then, after a couple of days, I started to notice ways in which I felt different. Small things, like getting a stuffed up nose. Feeling bloated. Still feeling hungry after having eaten. Having difficulty focusing. And I remembered that those things used to be my “normal”, but they aren’t so much any more.
Finally, I remembered that I have a follow-up doctor’s appointment scheduled for later this month — fasting labs, the whole nine yards — and I realized that no way was I going into that appointment while “off program”! Not after over six months of consistency and good results (even if I haven’t been perfect).
So, I picked my day once again — my weekly fast day — and declared myself back “on program”, with a vengeance!
But I needed that little surrender break. I needed the reminder of how much this program is changing me, and now I’m back to doing it because I want to, not because I feel I have to.
Today was an overcoming resistance kind of day.
A day to support a friend, but within an uncomfortable context that was challenging for me.
And a day to knuckle down and do some important tasks that I’ve been majorly procrastinating about.
Grateful to have the day behind me and feeling good about what I accomplished! 💪