(not necessarily in that order)
There are times when an appropriate medication is the only way to go.
Today I’m feeling extremely grateful for the Rx that seems to have finally ended my recent malady. I’ve had my first completely “normal” day in almost a week; what a relief!
I’ll still follow the doctor’s recommendation to get some bloodwork done, mainly as a precautionary measure. But my energy is back and I feel confident that I’ve turned the corner.
The saga of my broken tooth has finally come to an end. This morning the oral surgeon extracted the tooth and applied a bone graft, in preparation for an eventual implant.
The tooth first felt “funny” way back in March, then caused enough painful moments while we were in Europe to make me quite nervous. Even though it stopped actively hurting, it remained precarious.
For various reasons I had to simply work around it while waiting to have it taken out. In fact, that tooth has been on my mind for a full six months and my primary emotion right now is relief.
I’m also feeling spacey and more than ready for an early night.
Today I received an email with the subject: Your Student Loans Have Been Forgiven.
I couldn’t believe my eyes, but it went on to say:
Congratulations! The Biden-Harris Administration has forgiven some or all of your federal student loan(s) with MOHELA in full.
This debt relief was processed as part of the Biden-Harris Administration’s one-time account adjustment because your student loan(s) have been in repayment of at least 20 or 25 years.
Well, I immediately logged into my student loan account and saw a bunch of $0.00’s.
At which point I burst into tears.
You see, I borrowed $5,000 back in the mid-80’s when I was going to the San Francisco Conservatory of Music. I was determined to make it as a freelance musician and I did not have much understanding or practical skills when it came to money.
An unfortunate combination.
I chose the repayment option where you start out with small payments but agree to greatly increased amounts after a certain length of time. But when that time came I wasn’t earning appreciably more — or handling my earnings any better.
So, I missed payments, got derailed by rocky life experiences (like the end of my marriage, the death of my mother, etc.), slipped into denial, and eventually landed in default.
To make a long story short, I eventually had to refinance the loan. I’m still not entirely sure how it worked, but I think that all the interest I had accumulated became part of the principle owed. At any rate, the amount I was now paying off was many, many times more than that original $5,000.
By the time I moved back from Europe in 2006, I was painfully aware of what a mess I had created through my combination of ignorance and denial. I had learned my lesson the hard way.
In fact, although I was staying meticulously current with whatever payments I could afford, and immediately communicated if there were any change in my situation, I was depressingly aware that I would most likely take this debt to my grave.
I can hardly find the words to convey what a weight off my heart and psyche it is to understand that — after almost forty years — I can let this go.
It truly feels like a miracle.
After a turbulent, convoluted, multi-week process, it’s a relief to have actually arrived at a decision.
True, it’s not what I want to do, but I can feel that it’s the right thing to do. Which means I can once again get all my energy moving forward in one focused direction.
That’s my hope, at any rate.
I still find this to be the perfect image to accompany my sense of joy and relief at getting my 2nd dose of the COVID vaccine.
It’s certainly been an interesting process, having to repeatedly remind pharmacy employees that I’m getting the primary series, not a booster. Which sometimes means waiting longer; like today, when they thawed out the booster instead of the 2nd primary dose.
Oh well, bottom line is — I got the jab. Yay!
Sometimes you don’t realize how diminished your energy was until it’s back in full.
What a relief.
Getting our second COVID shot was — at one and the same time — both a tremendous relief and hugely anticlimactic.
Interesting and strange that something so small and seemingly insignificant is more or less our “get out of jail” card. I mean, two more weeks and we can go visit my Dad!
Woohoo!
I wasn’t really expecting to be swept up in such intense waves of feeling today. I think a part of me has been holding back, maintaining some distance — perhaps in order to keep me safe from last minute disappointments?
So it wasn’t until last night that it all kicked in for me. Hearing about the “Wear Pearls on Jan 20th, 2021” Facebook group — over 470,000 women united in their commitment to wear pearls in honor of Kamala — lit a fire under me.
I tuned into the ceremony partway through Biden’s speech and was so grateful for his calm, gracious, humble demeanor. Of course, I know he’s not perfect, but it feels to me like his sincerity is real and his character is true.
I have no words to describe how blown away I was by Amanda Gorman. Just… WOW!
But maybe what surprised me the most was the intensity of my relief. It’s as if I hadn’t been able to fully acknowledge — even to myself — just how anxious and uncomfortable and even, as a person of color, fearful I had been for much too long (not for myself so much, but for my family and POC in general). It takes a lot of energy to keep from knowing what one knows, and now that energy is freed up and available to use in constructive ways.
As I sobbed uncontrollably at the end of the ceremony I felt a bone deep, visceral sense of release. And, yes, I felt like I could breathe again; that I could recognize my country again; that the true power of love and light and truth had prevailed yet again.
Out of all the eloquent words people shared today, I especially loved the following (written by a friend; thanks, Paul Green):
“Today I’m reminded that miracles are miracles. Just one miraculous day carries enough power to transcend four years of darkness. Just one lightbulb chases out a whole room of darkness. Just one young poet reminds us of the positive power of the word, after years of debasement of language. Love can win, no matter how long it’s been beaten down. There are no small miracles.”
It’s been raining steadily for a good portion of the day. Plus we had quite a bit for a day or two last week.
I’m really hoping that we can finally consider fire season at an end for this year; it will be such a relief, and I’m soooo ready to unpack my go bag! ☔