(not necessarily in that order)
After a turbulent, convoluted, multi-week process, it’s a relief to have actually arrived at a decision.
True, it’s not what I want to do, but I can feel that it’s the right thing to do. Which means I can once again get all my energy moving forward in one focused direction.
That’s my hope, at any rate.
Once I get the final clearance from my doctors, we’re exploring the possibility of getting away to the coast for a few days.
Of course, we’ve already been “away” for over a month, but it certainly hasn’t been a vacation!
We’re both feeling the need for quiet time to process, to integrate, and to simply rest. Let’s see what’s trying to happen!
As my cancer journey continues, with its added detours and diversions, the “picture” (aka my understanding of what it is actually going on) keeps getting bigger.
So, today I’m unexpectedly aware that there are phases to this process. Duh! 😄
“I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15
Yeah, I’m grappling with this…yet again. But it makes me feel a little better remembering that Saint Paul struggled with the exact same thing!
This is how it unfolds for me…
First, I put out lots and lots of energy in the direction of a “stretch” goal, such as presenting the full Oratorio after a hiatus of several years with no regular choir. But then, once the goal is achieved, I get to relax and my energy drops.
Since at the same time I’ve been in “gotta be careful”/treatment mode, the thought begins to sneak in: “I deserve some treats.” And, sure enough, the lowered energy and disrupted routine combines to leave me feeling a little rudderless and out of sorts.
I don’t think it can be coincidence that in the midst of all this, and after the success of the Oratorio, I’m feeling an increasingly strong urge to reevaluate my treatment options. In fact, something inside is telling me that it’s time to “up my game.”
But in the meantime, I’m seriously backsliding on a number of good habits, especially by eating foods that don’t support my healing. Which seems kind of crazy, no?!? Well, yes, it does!
However, I’m finally understanding that this part of my process is a way (my admittedly crazy way) of getting back to clarity by fully experiencing (yet again!) the contrast between how I feel after a period of poor choices vs the opposite.
I wish I didn’t operate this way, but evidently I have to get to the place of “I’m feeling really crappy” before I’m able to harness the motivational energy to take off in the right direction once again.
Bottom line? Crazy but true: feeling yucky is like my rocket fuel.
Today was all about slowing down and coming back to center.
Last night’s Oratorio was the kind of deep and powerful experience that needs time to integrate and reflect on in order to fully comprehend it.
Somehow the process made me think of a mandala, because the bits and pieces of the experience — the initial vision, the challenges, the hopes, the compromises, the highs, the lows, the people stuff, the music itself, the thrill of performance — all have their perfect place in the intricate complexity of the whole.
A much needed day of resting and doing a whole lot of nothing was a good start to the process.