I was more “myself” today, though still nowhere near my usual energy levels.
I mean, accomplishing a “lot” right now looks like: juicing some lemons; (finally) sorting our vacation mail; and washing dishes.
What I’m particularly proud of is the way I sat on the patio for what felt like hours this afternoon… staring at the treetops, gazing at the occasional butterfly, hearing the birdsong, listening to the lizards rustling through the dried wisteria blossoms…
Aaaaahhhhhhh… I’m falling asleep just thinking about it.
The birth/death of Liam Andrew — my stillborn son who would have turned twenty-nine today — occurred three days before Mother’s Day. And my mother had passed away two years before that.
I still remember how the combination of shock, grief, and hormonal changes left me feeling completely dazed and confused as I negotiated those first days. And Mother’s Day cards had me reeling.
After all, I no longer had a mother and all of a sudden I wasn’t going to be a mother either. It was a very surreal time.
Twenty-nine years later the grief and the wounds have healed. But there’s always a few moments in the lead-up to Mother’s Day when I have to pause and reflect and give thanks for my mother and for the experience of being Liam’s mother for even a short while.
It’s post-surgery day #5 and I’m feeling close to normal.
Able to go for walks. Able to sit (or lie) down and get back up pretty easily.
Staying on schedule with my pain meds so that my body can relax and heal faster.
Given all of the above, I can’t help but feel surprised that — after yet another night of good sleep — I was so drowsy after breakfast that I laid down (“for just a few minutes”) on the couch and slept until noon!
This level of healing/rest is mind-blowingly new to me.
It’s been raining pretty much all day; perfect weather for sitting at home recovering.
I felt like I had really slept in late this morning. But then I was so drowsy while meditating that I laid down afterwards and slept for two more hours.
I thought my November 2 health update would be the very last, but it turns out another is needed.
First of all, there are still a number of people asking me, “How are you?” with a great deal of concern in their eyes. I’m very happy to report that I really am doing extremely well — I’ve been off disability since the beginning of the year and back to working full-time; I’m singing every week; and I’m feeling energized by new visions and potential projects for the music.
On the other hand, although I’m through with the major medical part of my health journey, I feel like I’m still sort of “picking up the pieces” of my life. And while it’s true that I’m completely back to normal, it’s also true that my “normal” relationship with my body and overall well-being hasn’t been all that healthy for much of my adult life.
In fact, this has been one of the biggest lessons of my cancer journey. As a result, I’m feeling guided to dedicate time and energy to focusing on detoxing from the high dose chemo; rejuvenating from the stress of the last year; and deeply resting from the trauma of the bone marrow transplant process.
So, in early March I’m going to do a one-week Panchakarma program at an ayurvedic retreat that’s located near my home in Nevada County. But because it’s a holistic healing modality instead of a medical procedure, Ramesha and I have to come up with $4500 to cover the cost on our own.
When we’ve needed to raise funds in the past (for music-related travel expenses, for example) we would often give a concert. But since there isn’t the time or the bandwidth to pull a concert together at this time, we’ve decided to take two little known albums of mine and offer them on a donation basis as digital downloads.
One album is a compilation of classical flute pieces from various recitals and concerts from when I was still a working flutist, while the other is from the very first concert Ramesha and I did together in 2003, before we were even a couple.
To learn more about the albums or to find the link to donate, click here (also, keep in mind that if you’re not able to donate money, you’re totally welcome to the music in gratitude for your continued prayers).Â
Finally (and I apologize if I’m beginning to sound repetitive), THANK YOU — again and again and again — for all your loving support.Â
Greetings to all my prayer warrior friends and family!
There really isn’t much of anything to say at this point about my health per se, except that I feel almost completely normal.
I can think of only two physical reminders of the experience I went through so recently: the fact that I’m bald (although my hair is slowly making a comeback) and the fact that I still get slightly more tired than I used to.
I’ve been on disability since the end of August and will continue for a few more months (as needed). Even though my energy is back, I understand that my body needs to finish healing on deep and subtle levels. This means that I won’t yet be resuming my full responsibilities in the music office. However, I will be performing as much as possible because singing and serving as a channel for the music is incredibly healing for me.
In the next week or so I’ll begin a nourishing cleanse, guided by my naturopathic integrative oncologist. I’m also looking forward to being able to resume taking the nutritional supplements which I had to stop during the BMT process. All in all, while I’m deeply appreciative of what medical science has done for me, I’m ready to take a more holistic approach to my health and healing for the time being.
Besides continued physical healing, I also need to focus on allowing time to process and integrate; to catch up on those areas of my life that had been pushed into the background; and to figure out how to apply the lessons learned on this journey as I move forward into the future.
I don’t expect to be writing any more of these updates, although you’re welcome to check out my daily blog if you like. It’s titled Music.Life.Joy. and is nothing momentous; just my musings on things that occur to me from day to day — some more significant than others.
Well, that’s it for now. My heartfelt gratitude to each and every one of you that have traveled this road with me. It truly has been a tremendous blessing.
This is the third or fourth time I’ve seen it (starting with twice in the theater back when it first came out), but I had forgotten just how powerfully moving it is. It’s so full of beautiful, loving messages that I feel I should watch it at least once a month!
Most of all, I can feel my inner child being comforted and healed with virtually everything he says. For example, this phrase that concluded every episode:
“You’ve made this day a special day, by just your being you. There’s no person in the whole world like you; and I like you just the way you are.”
