Swami Kriyananda left his body on April 21, 2013 — eleven years ago today.
I didn’t respond well when we learned that he had died. We were living in the Ananda LA ashram and it was late on Saturday night when the email arrived from Lakshman. Ramesha read it aloud and I immediately replied: “NO!” — then repeated it emphatically again and again.
I just couldn’t believe it was true.
I still miss him very much, but at the same time I have moments of knowing that he’s with me just as much — or even more — than before.
The challenge is to be more aware of his presence from moment to moment, especially when I’m feeling confused or struggling to understand my next steps. Because when I consciously tune in, he’s right there…guiding me.
In fact, as we celebrate his life on the anniversary of his passing, I’m reminded that one of my intentions while we’re in Lugano is to find (or more accurately, take) the time to get still and ask Swamiji to help me find clarity about the top priorities for Ananda’s music ministry.
I’m definitely feeling an increasing sense of urgency to understand and then accomplish that which is truly mine to do in support of this gift to the world with which we’ve been entrusted — Ananda Music.
It seems like the big block I’ve been experiencing had to do with some deep but subtle inner processing. Which — thankfully — has now resolved itself into clarity around a big decision.
(I’m pretty sure it’s no coincidence that Mercury is going direct in another day or two.)
I’ll share more about all that soon.
In the meantime, much of my afternoon and evening was spent in the garden.
Well, for a number of weeks now I’ve been moving through a process, which I’ve recently understood as being how a funnel works.
Starting at the top of the funnel and getting narrower with each of the following steps, I’ve moved through…
1️⃣ Something’s slightly “off” with my bloodwork (blurry and VAGUE) 2️⃣ Tests and more tests (starting to FOCUS in) 3️⃣ Tentative diagnosis (gaining some CLARITY) 4️⃣ Definite diagnosis & initial treatment plan (facing a new REALITY) 5️⃣ Details of the protocol (holy cow, this is actually HAPPENING)
Sooooo…. It’s happening and I’m adjusting. I’m extremely grateful that what I’m dealing with is treatable and I’ve got an incredible care team. I also have an amazing amount of loving support from family, friends, and spiritual community.
There’s been a big unresolved question underlying all the activity of this day.
I think the process is bringing me to clarity, but I’m not quite there yet.
A decision has to be made and announced by tomorrow morning, however. So, I’ll go home now to pray, meditate, and sleep on it. Then I’ll go from there.
Feeling so muchgratitude for the clarity and wisdom of Dr Peter, Ananda Village’s resident physician, as we seek the balance between under-reacting and over-reacting. Also feeling so grateful to have so much support and so many resources for dealing with this challenging time. Thank you, God!
A song from my adolescence has been popping into my mind quite a bit over the past few weeks: Ball of Confusion by the Temptations.
The lyrics that have stayed in my mind since high school are: Fear in the air, tension ev’rywhere Unemployment rising fast, the Beatle’s new record’s a gas, and the only safe place to live is on an Indian reservation, and the band played on. Eve of destruction, tax deduction, City inspectors, bill collectors, mod clothes in demand, population out of hand, suicide, too many bills, hippies movin’ to the hills People all over the world are shouting end the war and the band played on.
I loved the Temptations when I was growing up and this song really made an impact on me as an angst-filled teenager learning to deal with the crazy world I was living in. Of course, the vibration of the song is pretty much the opposite of Ananda’s music; Ball of Confusion perfectly captures the agitation of modern life, and the musician in me admires the skill with which they did it!
So I find myself thinking about how crazy the world seems now…and then I think about how crazy the world seemed then (after all, this song came out almost fifty years ago!). And I think again about the article by Swami Kriyananda that I mentioned in yesterday’s blog post, especially the following excerpt:
CAN THE WORLD BE PERFECTED? The thought that this world can ever be perfected is one of man’s greatest delusions. What this world is, simply, is a school, through which the soul passes on its upward evolution. Perfection is, in other words, an ideal to be sought for the benefit of the students, not of the school. Were this school, our earth, to complete its educative purpose, by means at present unimaginable, it would mean simply that souls still in need of its instruction would have to be enrolled elsewhere. No outward improvement in the world will ever guarantee a corresponding improvement of the individual. Ultimately, man’s betterment depends always on his own recognition of his need for it.
I don’t say, never try to improve things. Do improve them if you can, always calmly and in support of the good, never with anger. But realize that there are simply too many wrongs in the world for all of them to be improved very much. Your first need, always, is to remain calm and undisturbed in your Self.
Sure, the world is a ball of confusion; but that doesn’t have to be our reality. We can attune ourselves to higher consciousness and live in peace and love and clarity.
