When it all starts to add up

I’ve been sort of automatically categorizing my current sense of overwhelm as the “usual” increasingly intense activities that come with the December/Christmas/holiday season.

But today I’m realizing the need to acknowledge the intense undercurrents of all that’s going on in the world. On the most basic levels we’re completely fine out here in the boonies — taking precautions, supported by community. On more subtle levels, however, I can feel the “not-fine-at-all” reality of many, many of my fellow Californians, Americans, citizens of the world.

So, yeah, it kind of starts to all add up and you can’t help but feel the heaviness. Which is why staying centered, staying calm, staying open and loving, staying joyous is my/our most important work right now.

A study in contrasts

I was still active as a freelance classical flutist when I moved into the Ananda Palo Alto community in the late-90’s, with a large portion of my income coming from music gigs. Christmas was a particularly busy time, with orchestras offering holiday concerts; businesses hosting office parties; and churches putting on elaborate Christmas pageants.

My second or third Christmas after coming to Ananda, I was blessed with an experience that clearly demonstrated to me the transformative power of Ananda’s meditation techniques and music.

I had performed at a church in a neighboring town the year before and was happy when they asked me back for a second year. But this time, the date of the gig just happened to be five days after a performance of the Oratorio. And, my goodness, what a contrast!

My experience at the “traditional” church:

  • An impatient, critical, abusive conductor
  • A freaked-out keyboardist and indifferent, careless musicians
  • A “slick”, heartless production
  • Superficial, “Hollywood”-style musical arrangements geared to singers’ egos
  • A passive, “dead” audience

My experience at Ananda:

  • A respectful conductor, harmonious communication, and supportive leadership
  • Joyous, caring, inspired musicians
  • A deeply felt, inspired production
  • Elegantly simple yet refined arrangements of superconscious music that awakens devotion and raises singers’ energy
  • A responsive, energetic, and deeply engaged audience

During the church Christmas pageant I was miserable and felt like I could hardly play. I ended up promising myself I would never do that gig again, that the money just wasn’t worth it. But then I got to reflecting: I had done it the year before with no problem; what was different?

The difference was that in the year in-between, I had continued to deepen my meditation practice, becoming more and more attuned to a higher, more loving vibration. So it actually felt traumatic to try and fit myself back into that judgmental, superficial, empty energy.

Bottom line? Although I have rare moments when I miss playing in orchestra, I have no regrets about letting go of that career and dedicating my energies to a higher cause.