Today was about getting music together for Mantrini, who’ll be directing the choir for our Christmas concert, as well as copying parts for the choir itself!
Now I’m absolutely done for the day.
Christmas is coming
The more things change…
As an undergrad at SF State University final exams for the fall semester would frequently end sometime between December 19-22. So Christmas had to “wait,” with pretty much all buying of gifts and wrapping of presents and holding of parties getting crammed into those last few days.
[Interesting to remember that w-a-a-a-y-y-y-y back in those olden days there was no such thing as online shopping; you shopped in-person at a store — end of story.]
I took a break from college for a few years and worked as a waitress. Christmas was a time of extra shifts with big crowds and you didn’t even imagine you could take time off unless you had a ton of seniority.
During my years at the SF Conservatory I had already started freelancing and December was by far my busiest time. Orchestra holiday concerts; office parties; background music in shopping malls; and lots of church gigs. For years and years Christmas Eve was spent in a church, for my financial — not spiritual — wellbeing.
But then I became consciously aware of being on a spiritual path and my priorities started to shift. There finally came a Christmas Eve when I had to leave my church’s beautiful and deeply inspiring service early in order to perform at a church where the service meant nothing to me and felt totally lacking in inspiration. And I said, “no more!”
Which worked for a few years, until I got more committed and more involved and eventually started helping with the music ministry and even working on staff. And…you guessed it! That tendency has stayed with me through all my years with Ananda.
For years now my “personal” Christmas tends to wait until after the concert, after the pageant, after whatever else calls for music. So that Christmas inevitably finds me scrambling to catch up on gifts and wrapping and cards and socializing. At this point, I can’t imagine the holidays any other way.
But despite feelings of overwhelm and moments of stress — which I might occasionally mention to my spouse 😂 — I really wouldn’t have it any other way.
Christmas is coming
Lots of crazy rushing around today (deadlines, deadlines!), including preparing for tonight’s Christmas Zoom Sing-Along.
We’ve all been craving singing together, so tonight we did the next best thing, by coming together virtually to sing a bunch of choir favorites — traditional carols, the Hallelujah Chorus, some Oratorio choir pieces, and — of course — all of Swamiji’s original Christmas songs.
Predictably, even as tired and frazzled as I was, the music lifted me up and softened my edges and helped me (finally!) start to feel like Christmas really is coming!
When it all starts to add up
I’ve been sort of automatically categorizing my current sense of overwhelm as the “usual” increasingly intense activities that come with the December/Christmas/holiday season.
But today I’m realizing the need to acknowledge the intense undercurrents of all that’s going on in the world. On the most basic levels we’re completely fine out here in the boonies — taking precautions, supported by community. On more subtle levels, however, I can feel the “not-fine-at-all” reality of many, many of my fellow Californians, Americans, citizens of the world.
So, yeah, it kind of starts to all add up and you can’t help but feel the heaviness. Which is why staying centered, staying calm, staying open and loving, staying joyous is my/our most important work right now.
A study in contrasts
I was still active as a freelance classical flutist when I moved into the Ananda Palo Alto community in the late-90’s, with a large portion of my income coming from music gigs. Christmas was a particularly busy time, with orchestras offering holiday concerts; businesses hosting office parties; and churches putting on elaborate Christmas pageants.
My second or third Christmas after coming to Ananda, I was blessed with an experience that clearly demonstrated to me the transformative power of Ananda’s meditation techniques and music.
I had performed at a church in a neighboring town the year before and was happy when they asked me back for a second year. But this time, the date of the gig just happened to be five days after a performance of the Oratorio. And, my goodness, what a contrast!
My experience at the “traditional” church:
- An impatient, critical, abusive conductor
- A freaked-out keyboardist and indifferent, careless musicians
- A “slick”, heartless production
- Superficial, “Hollywood”-style musical arrangements geared to singers’ egos
- A passive, “dead” audience
My experience at Ananda:
- A respectful conductor, harmonious communication, and supportive leadership
- Joyous, caring, inspired musicians
- A deeply felt, inspired production
- Elegantly simple yet refined arrangements of superconscious music that awakens devotion and raises singers’ energy
- A responsive, energetic, and deeply engaged audience
During the church Christmas pageant I was miserable and felt like I could hardly play. I ended up promising myself I would never do that gig again, that the money just wasn’t worth it. But then I got to reflecting: I had done it the year before with no problem; what was different?
The difference was that in the year in-between, I had continued to deepen my meditation practice, becoming more and more attuned to a higher, more loving vibration. So it actually felt traumatic to try and fit myself back into that judgmental, superficial, empty energy.
Bottom line? Although I have rare moments when I miss playing in orchestra, I have no regrets about letting go of that career and dedicating my energies to a higher cause.