Pausing to breathe as I finish up a full week and prepare for an intense weekend.
Pause. Deep breath.
September 15 health update
Hi all,
This is a pretty brief update.
Basically, the nurses and doctors tell us that I’m doing very well. Throughout the high dose chemo and yesterday’s stem cell transplant, my vital signs remained steady, I didn’t spike any fevers, the quantities of IV fluids didn’t compromise my heart or lungs, etc.
However…! There’s no escaping the reality of chemo side effects (so far mostly incipient nausea and fatigue) and low blood counts (more fatigue). It’s very strange to feel soooo tired, especially as it’s expected to get even worse before it gets better.
In my last update, I wrote: From that point on, it’s simply a matter of managing any side effects from the chemo and waiting for my stem cells to get to work rebuilding my immune system.
What I’m realizing now is that it’s not so simple. Not having energy is a serious downer and I can feel the pull to worry about how much worse it could get. So then I have to breathe in and out in order to stay in the present moment. Because, since I can’t bypass this process, I have to keep raising my energy to embrace the karma.
I also want to say how much I appreciate all the messages of support — emails, e-cards, texts, poems, gifts, stories, you name it! I wish I could keep up with replying to each one, but I know you all understand it’s not possible.
Transplant was Day 0, so now I’m on Day +1. There probably won’t be much more to share until I get past Day +5. Thank you for your continuing prayers.
Lots and lots of love! 💖
More about feelings
I first saw this image a long while ago. Obviously, it resonated enough for me to save it, but then it just sat on my computer for months and months.
But when I happened upon it yesterday I realized how perfectly this Emily McDowell person described my usual pattern of thinking my feelings!
The line that struck me the most however is the last one: “Notice that you have survived.”
That’s how scary feeling my feelings can be. It seems like a matter of survival, but I can (and must) learn to do it.
Warp speed
AKA that feeling you get when everything is suddenly all happening at once (or at least it feels that way)!
It’s tempting to just keep working in order to feel like I’m getting a handle on it all, but I know that’s not a good idea. For one thing, I’m bound to start making mistakes. And for another thing, I’m trying to get away from that kind of imbalanced behavior.
So, I’m going to stop. Even though there are still a ton of things yet undone on my list. And I’m going to breathe and then go watch a show.
It’ll all be there waiting for me tomorrow.
Relax. It’s enough.
Can you guess what prompted this post?
Yep, the day got away from me and there’s no way I can write anything of substance without going past my 10:00 “turn-off-the-computer” deadline. Which, of course, has me feeling that I fell short of the mark for today.
So I’m choosing to let it be what it is; just staying present and remembering to relax and breathe.
Which is more than enough!