(not necessarily in that order)
I got a haircut today and, as usual, we took a minute to schedule my next appointment.
We counted six weeks out, which was perfect timing — right before my departure to Sacramento for the bone marrow transplant.
Except then it hit me — after they collect my stem cells I’ll be receiving a high dose of chemotherapy, which will result in losing my hair. Soooo…that would sort of negate the need for a haircut the week before, wouldn’t it?
Definitely a surreal moment.
Just to clarify, I’ll be receiving what they call an “autologous” bone marrow transplant. That means they’ll be harvesting my own stem cells and then returning them into my bone marrow. As the transplant doctor put it, a better description would be to call it a “replant” instead of a “transplant”!
I’m sharing this because three people so far have offered to donate bone marrow if I needed it, which moves me very deeply.
I mean, talk about feeling loved and supported!
The last time I wrote, we had just returned from our Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT) evaluation appointment at UC Davis Medical Center. I spent the rest of the month of May basically moving from overwhelm to denial to major resistance, with a constant sense of confusion flowing underneath it all.
During this time, we explored complementary healing options, but never received clear guidance that this or that was “the answer” to avoiding a BMT altogether.
Even when I connected with a wonderful Naturopathic Integrative Oncologist who we both completely resonated with, she wasn’t talking “instead of” conventional therapies, but rather “supporting and being as healthy as possible” to get the most out of those conventional therapies.
At the very end of the month, we came full circle and finally listened to the recording of our May 3 appointment; by the time we finished everything had shifted and we knew that the BMT was the right thing to do.
It also helped that the Sunday service affirmation of a few days before was the one on “Truthfulness.” I was able to admit to myself that I had been wishing and hoping for an alternative that simply was not appearing. This was the “whatever is, simply is” truth that I needed to accept, “knowing that, at the heart of everything, God’s truth is always good.”
Plus, this line at the end of what Swami Kriyananda writes about truthfulness really hit home: “Truthfulness means seeing things as they really are, but then looking more deeply for ways to improve those realities.”
(Needless to say, I’ll continue using the full affirmation for the time being: Whatever is, simply is; I cannot change it for the mere wishing. Fearlessly, therefore, I accept the truth, knowing that, at the heart of everything, God’s truth is always good.)
We sat on the decision overnight, but it continued to feel like a “duh, of course this is the way to go” kind of right. Which was pretty surprising, considering that on the purely personal level of likes and dislikes, I still didn’t (and don’t) want to do it!
However, not only does it feel right inwardly, but doors have started opening and things are falling into place (probably for mid-August). So, I’m embracing the “both/and” reality of not wanting to do something that is the right thing to do.
Of course, I’ve done that many times in my life before — in small and big ways. It’s just that this one is easily the biggest, plus it requires my conscious choice to embrace the karma.
I find it somewhat amusing to look back to the very beginning of this saga, when I learned that I had a “treatable” cancer. I had no idea just how limited my concept of “treatable” was; now I understand that a BMT is part of what “treatable” means.
The bottom line, however, is that I feel incredibly blessed as I move through this process. I am so grateful for all the loving support, the prayers, the generosity, the inner growth and spiritual insights. It makes it all worthwhile.
A good thought to ponder as I sit in our hotel room in Sacramento, preparing for tomorrow morning’s meeting with the bone marrow transplant doctor.
So many opportunities to shift my thinking and (hopefully) also shift my consciousness.