(not necessarily in that order)
The afternoon got away from me and I forgot to get my blog post written early. There was no choir due to the ongoing power outage, but Ramesha and I met with a few singers who have just recently returned to choir, in order to help them get back in the flow. It was a really fun rehearsal/satsang but it went overtime!
So now I’m writing this on my phone, after my 9:30 deadline. Oh well, “if I could of done better, I would have done better!”
Besides, I can still make it to bed before midnight!
I’m so glad I stumbled across that quote about forgiveness yesterday, because it led me to Danielle Koepke and her Internal Acceptance Movement.
Self-acceptance has been one of my core issues and I remember, several decades ago, finding great comfort in this line from the Desiderata: “You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”
I lived in San Francisco during that time and going to the ocean was one of my primary coping mechanisms. At one inner crisis point I found myself pondering the above quote while walking on Ocean Beach; it was a blustery, somewhat rainy January day, with virtually no other people around. This was perfect, because at one point I found myself crying and (literally) screaming back at my own negative self-talk: “I deserve to live! I have a right to be here!” It was maybe the most intense self-healing process I’d ever experienced.
Later that day one of my adult students showed up unexpectedly at my door with a planter full of beautiful white freesias and ranunculus, just beginning to blossom. Now, she lived about forty-five minutes outside of San Francisco. She didn’t have a scheduled lesson. She just “felt” to bring me these flowers. Can you imagine how that felt to me?!? Suddenly the idea that I was a child of the universe became a felt reality. I felt loved and supported by something bigger and assured that — in fact — I had a right to be here.
This is why I’m grateful to have found the Internal Acceptance Movement and why I especially resonate with their tagline of “You exist, and therefore, you matter.” I don’t think there’s anyone on the planet who wouldn’t benefit from hearing those words.
I just happened to stumble across this on Facebook and it so perfectly expanded on my thoughts from yesterday that I decided to share it here.
Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for what happened.
For the mistakes you made.
For not showing up the way up the way you needed to.
For not being the person you wanted to be.
You’re human.
You did the best you could in the moment given what you knew and what you had, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. You’re still learning. You’re still finding your way. And that takes time. You’re allowed to give yourself that time. And you’re allowed to show up in the world imperfectly. You’re allowed to fail at things you tried hard for. You’re allowed to realize you made the wrong decision. You’re allowed to be someone who’s still figuring out their path and their purpose.
And you’re allowed to forgive yourself.
You can’t go back and change the decisions you’ve made, but you can choose what you do today. You can keep choosing, again and again. You can start over. And that’s where your power is. In today.
So no more beating yourself up. No more going over and over it again in your head and torturing yourself with the past. What happened, happened, and all the shame and self-hatred in the world won’t undo that.
Today, you’re starting over. Today, you’re moving forward with the new knowledge and experiences you have.
Today, you can be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live.
You’re not a bad person. You’re not a disappointment or a failure. You’re just human.
You’re still learning and growing and finding your way. And it’s okay. You’ll be okay. ॐ ❤
By Daniell Koepke
I was on the road this morning, on my way to meet my father and sister for breakfast, when a random thought entered my mind, then took root and became something more…
I have no idea how or why, but I found myself thinking about some of the horrible things people do to other people and wondering if I ever found myself in such a situation whether I would have enough faith and inner strength to react with compassion and forgiveness rather than fear and anger.
“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do,” popped into my mind.
That, of course, brought the high example of Jesus to mind. And it occurred to me that the truth of the matter is, when someone is hurting another person, there’s always ignorance of what they’re doing.
Most of us are only focused on the here and now, so we think we know what we’re doing. But there are infinite subtle realities beyond the one we can see, and our ignorance of those subtle realities is exactly why we “know not” what we do; to ourselves and to the one “whole” of which we are a part.
I found myself thinking: “Father, forgive them for they knew not what they did”, extending this thought retroactively to anyone and everyone who I felt had ever hurt me.
And then it became: “Father, forgive me for I knew not what I did.”
Wow. Apply compassion and forgiveness to myself? What a concept. But the truth is, as one of my favorite Asha quotes says: “If I could of done better, I would of done better.” Time to let myself off the hook for not being perfect already , eh?
So, what about you?
Nowadays who can tell what’s real and what’s photoshopped? But even if it’s fake, I appreciate that someone thought of it!
Meetings. Lunch. Friendships. Concepts. Planning. Catching up. Communicating.
Tomorrow?
Repeat. 🙂
Out of data on my phone. Left computer at work due to power outage. Using Ramesha’s phone to say “oops” and “goodnight”!
A lot of things in the world of Ananda (and thus of Ananda Music) are shifting and moving and evolving. It’s rather disorienting, especially since some of it is big and involves other departments, which means months worth of development and implementation to get it right, while also figuring out the best way to function in the meantime.
For years we’ve been stretched (way) out of our comfort zones as directors and managers, and now I feel (fear?) it’s about to ratchet up another few notches. We’re getting into so many projects that involve ever-increasing knowledge of technology, finances, marketing, global issues, etc…seemingly ad infinitum!
On the one hand I believe we may very well be on the verge of absolutely amazing new things for Ananda Music. But on the other hand, I’m beginning to feel like I’m reaching the limits of what my musically-trained, flute-player’s brain can cope with.
I can’t stop myself from trying to capture the beauty of fall foliage, although I end up deleting most of the photos I take.
I’m no photographer, for starters; just someone snapping pics on my smartphone. But more to the point: how does one capture the essence of beauty? I find it’s more a matter of what I feel when I gaze at the foliage, than what I’m seeing.
What I feel is the urge to be those amazing colors, against the intense blue sky…the very essence of autumn, to me at least.
These last two photos are of the sight that greeted me when I stepped out of my car at work today. Except it was a hundred times more vivid in real life.
I guess the urge that I feel to be the colors, the leaves, the sky is a sort of reminder, from the part of me that remembers what it was to be one with all that is…and can’t wait to get back back there.
Pondering (yet again) the seemingly eternal question of how to get myself to go to bed earlier. The fact is that I recently made a commitment to be in bed, with lights out, by midnight. The commitment is to myself, but the decision was made together with a health professional as part of figuring out a healing protocol for me to follow.
The truth of the matter is that for decades now I’ve been sabotaging my health by not allowing my body the downtime it needs to rest, repair, and rejuvenate.
The evidence is clear: consistent lack of sleep screws up your hormones, results in weight gain, and contributes to a whole slew of other health issues. Of course, it doesn’t help that the resultant tiredness and lack of vitality also undermines your willpower, making it harder to stick to your good intentions to eat better and exercise and so on.
Then I got to thinking about another commitment I made not so long ago — the commitment to write a daily blog — and the fact that, in five months, I haven’t missed a day. That’s great and I feel good about it. But unfortunately, these two commitments have been conflicting with one another. Because if I don’t get the blog written early enough in the day and end up on the computer late in the evening, it’s almost guaranteed that I’ll get to bed really late as well.
So here’s the new deal. If I don’t have the blog written by 9:30 at night, all I get to write is an acknowledgement of the fact that I don’t have time to write because I have to get ready for bed! That way I’ll be honoring both my commitment to write the daily blog and my commitment to giving my body a chance to heal.
Of course, there’s a part of me that objects to this plan on the basis that I won’t be writing something “interesting” or “insightful” or “inspiring”. But my daily blog commitment isn’t to always be “interesting”, “insightful”, or “inspiring”! It’s simply to write something every day. Now to see if this works!