I just discovered the other day that today is a solar eclipse.
I’m not sure why some eclipses are a big deal while others seem to pass almost entirely unnoticed, but whatever…
The fact is that I’ve been feeling the unsettled energy of this approaching eclipse: out-of-sorts, irritable, and struggling to stay focused.
Not that other life challenges don’t play a part in the overall picture, but it really has felt significantly more difficult these past few days. I’ll be curious to see if all goes back to normal starting tomorrow.
These two things caught my attention today. The artwork above and the poem by Rumi, below.
Be crumbled, So wildflowers will come up Where you are. You have been stony for too many years. Try something different. Surrender. – Rumi
At first I thought I might have to choose between sharing one or the other; that they didn’t really relate.
But then I realized that the reclining monks beautifully embody the essence of being fully surrendered. And that the ability to embrace our beautiful self — just as we are — is the essence of the something different that we really need to do.
I met this week with a new physical therapist, and what a difference from my last physical therapy experience.
Of course, it helped immensely to learn that the “bone cyst” in my shoulder blade was actually a tumor. That led to receiving the appropriate treatment to reduce the size of the tumor, immediately resulting in a significant increase in my range of motion.
This physical therapist was also very thorough — putting me through a whole sequence of exercises and accurately measuring my range of motion along the way. He also tested for muscular weakness and other things I didn’t fully understand.
The wonderful end result was learning that my shoulder is completely structurally sound. In fact, there was never an injury — only a tumor!
The work now is to get the muscles re-engaged and then build back the strength that was lost through years of using my arm less and less due to the tumor pressing into the shoulder socket.
It’s interesting to think back to the start of my cancer treatment in early February and remember how uncertain everything felt.
My first appointments coincided with Inner Renewal Week and we weren’t even sure whether I should attend, much less sing.
Then there were decisions to be made about the Oratorio, wondering whether my energy would hold up. We even committed to a Joy Singers concert a week later, although I was a little nervous about doing so.
And now all that is behind me, accomplished with very few side effects and without any serious issues (despite the addition of two weeks of radiation).
My energy held out and I continue feeling good, which leaves me pondering the best next steps in my journey back to full health. Interesting times, indeed!
Our concert took place in the chapel at Crystal Hermitage (photo by Barbara Bingham)
Today was our Joy Singers concert at Crystal Hermitage Gardens (part of the Expanding Light’s “Springtime at Ananda” retreat). It was scheduled for exactly a week and a day after the Oratorio, which seemed fairly doable.
The problem, of course, is that week and a day went by really fast! I was just barely recovered from the Oratorio by the time we met for our only rehearsal on Thursday night.
Going into the rehearsal, I hadn’t yet found the time or bandwidth to review all the songs and was dismayed to discover just how many of them were either newer or harder than I remembered. Suffice it to say that by the end of the evening I was not feeling particularly ready, much less confident.
So today (concert day!) was about pulling it all together — alto parts, lyrics, researching Shakespeare songs, organizing the binder, finalizing the location, etc. — which finally got the energy really moving.
Of course, once the energy was moving the grace started to flow, and I’m very happy to report that the concert went very well and was enjoyed by all.
“I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15
Yeah, I’m grappling with this…yet again. But it makes me feel a little better remembering that Saint Paul struggled with the exact same thing!
This is how it unfolds for me…
First, I put out lots and lots of energy in the direction of a “stretch” goal, such as presenting the full Oratorio after a hiatus of several years with no regular choir. But then, once the goal is achieved, I get to relax and my energy drops.
Since at the same time I’ve been in “gotta be careful”/treatment mode, the thought begins to sneak in: “I deserve some treats.” And, sure enough, the lowered energy and disrupted routine combines to leave me feeling a little rudderless and out of sorts.
I don’t think it can be coincidence that in the midst of all this, and after the success of the Oratorio, I’m feeling an increasingly strong urge to reevaluate my treatment options. In fact, something inside is telling me that it’s time to “up my game.”
But in the meantime, I’m seriously backsliding on a number of good habits, especially by eating foods that don’t support my healing. Which seems kind of crazy, no?!? Well, yes, it does!
However, I’m finally understanding that this part of my process is a way (my admittedly crazy way) of getting back to clarity by fully experiencing (yet again!) the contrast between how I feel after a period of poor choices vs the opposite.
I wish I didn’t operate this way, but evidently I have to get to the place of “I’m feeling really crappy” before I’m able to harness the motivational energy to take off in the right direction once again.
Bottom line? Crazy but true: feeling yucky is like my rocket fuel.
Swami Kriyananda left his body nine years ago today.
We were living in Los Angeles at the time and when we got the news, I didn’t handle it very well. My immediate response was to say “NO!” — repeatedly and with strong emphasis.
A few days later we were on our way to Assisi, for Swamiji’s funeral. It was the shortest trip to Europe we’d ever made; four days total, if I remember correctly.
It’s now almost a decade later and I still miss him every day. And yet I also feel him with me every day as well. It’s kind of a paradox.
I hope with all my heart to accomplish all that I can in service to him through his music, and I feel him helping me to do so.
